Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Resume

It's been a rough few days, mothering-wise. You know those days, where you start to mentally brush up your resume for your imminent return to the workforce? Like, tomorrow?  This thought process is always aided by the tax season and a few unexpected bills that drop in uninvited.

So I've tossed around a few points I can now add to my CV, points that will surely secure a high-powered role in this brave new world of back-to-work moms.

NAME:  KIRSTEN SCHNEIDER NILSEN, aka Mooooooooooooooooom!
DOB:  after JFK died, but before Grace Kelly and Rock Hudson did
ADDRESS:  THE YELLOW HOUSE
CONTACT: just stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell for me. That's what everyone else does.

EDUCATION: elementary/highschool/college/gradschool [does my high school GPA really matter? my college GPA even? can't I just confirm I was there, loved every minute, would do it all over again, but feel that at this point in my life that none of it will get me any sort of gainful employment?]

WORK EXPERIENCE
  • 2003 - present:  Commander in Chief of NilsenLife Inc.  All-round ringmaster, part-time teacher, extremely part-time housekeeper. Utter failure as PTA member, but bake kick-ass chocolate chip cookies.
  • 1998 - 2003:  Human Resources Manager.  Management training and development, employee policy develop....[hang on, are you yawning?!?!  It FELT important at the time, ok?]
  • 1991-1998:  Professional Student, aka The Golden Years.  Student loans, overseas education, lots of travel, fair bit of wild oat sowing. (purely metaphorically, you understand)
  • 1988-1991:  Lifeguard.  Best. Teenage. Job. EVER.

STRENGTHS
  • Proficient with middle-of-the-night soothing (measurable success rates over 8 years: can now boast that rates of 2am cries decreased 300%)
  • Efficient self-dressing skills: my entire routine, shower :: fully make-upped can now be completed in under 18 minutes. (Levels of beauty will vary.)
  • Skilled in reading aloud in character.  Best demonstrated in stories with regional dialects, e.g. Eloise, Madeline or Mrs Piggle Wiggle
  • Potty Training Ninja
  • Finely-tuned Reflexes: recently caught all vomit in intended receptacle when wakened from dead sleep by a faint but ominous cough.
  • Strong constitution re: shots, blood, poop, snot, and stitches.
  • Proficient in artful draping of crepe paper streamers
  • Create delicious and nutritious sandwiches, with or without crusts
WEAKNESSES
  • Making up stories after 9pm
  • Any child-oriented activity after 9pm
  • Resolutely weak-stomached when confronted by vomit
  • Profound lack of sympathy for generalized weepiness (see also: Whining)
  • Restoration of laundry to proper drawers or closets
  • Patience with unnecessary drama
  • Tracking lonely unmatched socks
  • Darning. [What is darning?]
  • Homework submission. [theirs. not my problem if they miss recess, right?]
  • Tolerance of picky eaters
  • and... job hunting, apparently.  

Sigh.

11 comments:

Betsy said...

I LOVE this. Can I post/link to it next week?? I'm very blog weary.

Michelle said...

Great post!

CaraBee said...

I can SO relate. Sigh. Funnily enough I was just thinking about my resume a couple of days ago, wondering what the heck I would put on there for the mommy years. I'm thinking expert grilled cheese maker and lightening quick diaper changer should be marketable skills in today's economic climate.

Lori-Anne said...

I am actually looking to hire a potty training ninja. Do you travel? Shall we set up an interview?

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

This. is. awesome.

I feel the same way. I'm pretty sure I'm unhireable. Unless some company out there is looking for someone who can juggle washing diapers and making bread.

Tyler said...

I love this post too! But give yourself more credit being a mom is one of the toughest(but most rewarding)jobs ever. Ive found it is often much harder then my other job was. I noticed we share many of the same weaknesses. To funny.

Teresa said...

Oops the above comment came from Tylers mom :0

Sarah said...

This is perfect! I'd hire you to come and work for my children. Too bad you're not local...

Really makes you wonder why you tried so hard in school though, right?

Emily @ remodelingthislife said...

Love this.

I suck at putting laundry away too.

(am I allowed to say suck here?)

Anonymous said...

I so relate to this. The other day I was sharing with my hubby that nobody will hire me full time. (I work a part time job, that is bellow my education and it is only 12 hours a week.) I am wondering if I lost my coolness with all the diapers, cleaning, laundry cooking and glue projects.
Who wants to hire somebody that finds herself humming kids song while shopping in a supermarket?
Great post by the way.

Anonymous said...

I love this! It made me smile. I have to tell you, though, that I am a working mom with a resume business on the side and I actually have written a lot of resumes for "Moms" thinking about returning to work. They have been lawyers, retail buyers, sales representatives, and more. It's really important to have a resume that makes you feel good about yourself. I am signing in as anonymous because I am not trying to promote my site but I think I am going to link to this on my blog.

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