Friday, August 6, 2010

Ending

it's Saturday morning, and NilsenLife is late again. It's the time of the week when we stretch our creative writing muscles over there at Red Writing Hood, and this week's assignment was a narrative poem about family dynamics. Better late than never, right?

**************

Ending.

you had orange juice. i had coffee.
we sat at the breakfast table, you and i.
like every morning for forty six years
we sat and the sun poured in onto our chilly hearts.

you had orange juice. i had coffee.
we sat at the breakfast table, you and i.
you stared into the woods
i stared into the street, watching neighbors kiss morning goodbyes.

you had orange juice. i had coffee.
we sat at the breakfast table, you and i.
you pushed papers across the table, and said
i think it's time.

you had orange juice. i had coffee.
we sat at the breakfast table, you and i.
i stared into the woods with you, and said
yes. i think it's time.

you had orange juice. i had coffee.
we sat at the breakfast table, you and i
like every morning for forty six years
and agreed we were done.

**********

**UPDATE: please remember with all this creative writing that it's fiction. Mr NilsenLife & I are doing just fine, thanks. (And, we've not been married for even half of 46 years!)



16 comments:

DG said...

mine was twenty-six years.

Ericka @ alabaster cow said...

Life is utterly redundant and it's funny how huge life moment break up the monotony, good or bad. This poem plays like a stone thrown into a calm pond. You've done a great job with this!

Sarafree said...

Very nice! It builds nicely and has many layers. Stopping by from TRDC.

Stacey @ Entropified said...

The repetition, the repetition. Eventually it comes to an end.

Really good poem.

Graceful said...

This is a really powerful poem -- I think the repetition drives home the imagery and the point really well.

Lucy said...

This poem left me with shivers. And it made me sad that a couple who'd committed their lives to one another were not connecting on a deeper level. You painted this picture beautifully. The boredom, the lack of excitement, the acceptance. Great work.

Lucy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ash said...

Elegant simplicity, yet so strong. And so sad.

Excellent.

Erin said...

utterly captivating, love the repetition, which echoes all their time together. Stunning in its sadness. I love it.

Following you now.
;-)

Naked Girl in a Dress said...

You did a wonderful job describing the moment. I love how you used the repetition to reinforce the repetition in the relationship.

I hope you are doing well post-split.

Kristy said...

I agree! The style spoke well to the image you were creating. Nice!

Jingle said...

what a divine poem,
love it!
;)

katdish said...

GAAAA!!!!

(and I mean that in a good way)

Varda said...

Absolutely beautifully crafted poem: spare in words but lush in feeling with just enough shown to imply so much. Um, you better let people know it's not autobiographical though, because they will erroneously think a) you're much older than your youthful self and b) you & Mr.NilsenLife are kaput.

Nancy C said...

Oh, I love this. Yes, it's sad, but it's life. Little details. Daily mundane choices adding up to a life.

Beautifully done.

Keda said...

lovely poem that paints such a quaint picture in your head. Of course the quaintness is slightly ironic....

good work!

Related Posts with Thumbnails