So, late at night, I mean truly in the middle of the night, you're up breastfeeding and what do you think about? Well if you're me, you think about EVERYTHING. 3 am feedings don't suit the naturally pessimistic and worrisome.
Anyway. I compose these lengthy and (ifI do say so myself) hilarious blogs, that convey the bathos of full-time mothering in all of its glory. I come up with great titles, pithy little phrases that crack me up even in my groggy state. And by morning, its all gone. Disappeared in an exhausted fog.
but I do remember that the past few nights, its been all about performance review. One of the things I loved about my adult life (pre-kids) was that I stopped caring about how I compared. But it sneaks in, when you're mothering. First little niggle is whether your baby is keeping up with the Baby Joneses. But the grownup in you, along with the books/magazines/websites, say that this is silly, and that "all babies are unique and meet at their own pace." Of course they do.
But that grownup in you doesn't get the same benefit of the the doubt.
Everywhere, there are less-angry moms, more patient moms, more involved moms, more chilled moms, smarter moms, working moms, moms using their brains, moms who've lost all the baby weight, moms who wear great clothes -- moms who wear makeup!, moms with very cool blogs, moms who write it the way I meant to say it, braver moms, more thoughtful moms, moms who don't drink, moms who get enough sleep, moms who know why their baby is crying, moms that exercise, moms who remember birthdays & get cards out on time, funny moms, moms who don't go overdrawn, financially responsible moms, moms who remember to make the kids clean up, moms who do great playdates.
the last week or so, I've been feeling that the whole world is doing it better than me. I think the exact phrase that comes to mind is decidedly inadequate. The delicates often get mixed up with the jeans, the toy room often doesn't get picked up, Lars asked me to 'stop growling', Cecilie made up a sad song that went "I thought I'd get someone who was kind to me; I thought I'd get someone who smiled; instead I got a grumpy one...". And I still haven't read The Kite Runner.
So: whaddya do for inadequacy? Put on the makeup? Lace up the running shoes? Give up caffiene for Lent? Start each day by apologising to my kids?
I'll tell you what to do: stop getting up at 3am.